What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

But ive been too sick for many years..

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Hi everybody! I have been looking at posts on narcs and narc abuse on here and if has really helped me out a lot. I am currently struggling with my situation and need some advice/support. I met a narc last year, everything seemed to good to be true. Love bombing, always texting calling and taking me on dates. Everything changed when someone warned me about him out in public in front of him and who he is. This caused a conflict with us and the love bombing seized. he would tell me that everything is okay and i can come and talk. He would set a time limit on me and kick me out after that. he would then text me like everything was fine and we hung out again and after that he completely ghosted me for one week. He came back and texted me a week later laughing about the ghosting and acting like nothing had happened. he continued to text me ( not like in the beginning) make plans with me, then on the day of the plans he would just ghost me. One day he would act interested the next silence. i contacted him a month later and he acted like nothing happened. He was on a vacation and sent me a picture of another woman ( someone he allegedly met on the trip) to strike a reaction but i never gave him one. After the trip he came to my place and was extremely rude, accusing me of going on dates with a bunch of men. The next day he accused me of being an alcoholic and that he wanted nothing to do with me but said well maybe we can be "friends" then ghosted me i assumed at this point it was over and i would never hear from him again. He contacted me on the holiday a month later acting like everything was great. We ended up hanging out a month or so later and when we hung out it went well, i thought things were going in the right direction. after we hung out.. silence. I would try to text him and if he replied it would be very short then he just stopped replying. He ghosted me for almost three months. I thought he was done this time and of course he popped up again like nothing happened. At this point i was getting sick of if so i questioned him as to why he dissapeared and always does this. Of course he had some sob story about a injury and family member dying of cancer. I felt pity for him and he gave me an apology.. so i took him back stupidly. things seemed to be going smooth for a couple months, of course until his family member died and his injury got better he never contacted me and was distant. Menawhile, i was there for him during the difficult time for him. He lied to me about the funeral and never wanted to chat. I was chasing him and he would always claim nothing was wrong but when i said i thought he used me when he was down he could not handle it and would always tell me he didnt care and to go away. I would get so upset i would try texting him to work it out he would barelt respond and if he did he would not be nice about it. we did hang out a couple times after that, he would ignore me after. One day i was like hey i think you are seeing someone else, and i was like well ixam seeing someone so no problem if you are he said " buy bye good luck with your new guy stop contacting me" i was devastated and tried to get into contact with him for weeks then i just gave up and accepted it was over. He ended up contacting me a month later acting like everything was fine. He wanted to go out and have drinks i told him i would. He and i both seemed to have a great time. He ends up ignoring me again. I kept texting him trying to figure out what was wrong. He kept saying everything was fine and i said ok can we hang out again? He said maybe i was like why? He just kept saying maybe … our last conversation we had… i said what is wrong ? He said nothing is wrong everything is fine. I asked him why he keeps saying maybe. He said " maybe but i dont want to see you right now" i said why? He saix " im just not feeling it, if i wanted to date i would" i said why did you contact me less then a week ago wanting to go out? He said i didnt.. even though he did. So i said should i just move on or what? He said whatever you want to do. So i said that he was really confusing me and asked him if he had anything more to say before i move on? My messages were turning green so i panicked he blocked me and reacted irrationally. I said " omg did you block me? My messages are not going through. Even texted him on my work phone asking what was up. And called him twice ( please dont judge me i know it is pathetic i never was this type of girl before him) so he replied and said " Ok I'll block you now" then immedietly blocked me. He has never blocked me before since I have met him he will just ghost. Is this ths final discard aka " grand finale? Did i just push him too far? this has upset me so much its hard to even function.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Why do siblings (or other close relatives) stop visiting each other as they grow older? Why does this happen with so many people nowadays?

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

As i do to all so called friends.?

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

How can you maintain self-control?

So, i spoilt her more .

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Can you tell me something about yourself?

I don,t even have a pension.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

She married twice! .

I haven’t eaten junk food for weeks, I ate dirty all-day yesterday, but I can’t even workout, why am I so tired?

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

One cannot live in the past .

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Why is dating so frustrating and difficult for a guy?

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

What do you say after "Hi" when chatting?

(And it was in our own minds.)

I never cut or harmed myself..

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Why do men love boobs (irrespective of big or small)?

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

What did i know ?

Is Melania still angry that she failed as a model? Why is she so cold and hostile? Why did she blame everyone for her actions in her trite book?

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I write beautiful poetry .

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

King Charles III pays respects to Air India crash victims at his annual birthday parade - PBS

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

What was the weakest period in US history in terms of military strength? Was it during World War II or the Vietnam War?

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

It was going to be , some day.

Ive learnt so much.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

But, we were locked up after school.

I said to her

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Would this be the day?

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I have no regrets .

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I think the readers, may guess!

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Especially a lifetime of it.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

We were not on the streets..

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Comes on , in middle age.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

He knew the spot.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

I was scared of men, in general

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I could never make a relationship work though!

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

And i lived it daily.

She was in good health!

This is soul school!.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Im still living with it.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

She wouldn,t have been !

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Who then, do I blame.?

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I was very sick at this time too.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

She found it foreign!.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

When she asked me how she looked .

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I couldn’t, believe it.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I was 9 years of age.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Was to survive, this bastard.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Why did i forgive my father ?

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I will be 64.

He resisted the act ,that day.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

All the time i was locked up.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

We all went to grammer schools

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

But it wasn’t much.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I waited trembling.

She loved him until the end.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

My mum and dad in the seventies!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

My family never makes their pension either.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

So whats the point in blame.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I was seconnd youngest,

My life is so biszare .

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Put me off passion for life!!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!